I believe this Washington Post article by Monica Hesse was meant to be her version of funny, but somehow I find it unhumorous.

Titled Fred, Fred, Fred: Thompson’s Challenge Has a Name she goes on to make fun of his name as some stupid hick from the back woods of the South.

I suppose a lot of people could and have made fun of my name, including me. The thing is, we didn’t name ourselves (except my sister who decided to take her first and middle name and have it be her full name. It sounds quite funny.)

For all we know Fred Thompson may have been named for a relative his parents loved.

To make fun of a name is getting pretty low, especially when your first name is Monica.

In the swampy soup of hopefuls for the 2008 presidential election, there is a man with a funny name. (No, not that one.)

We’re thinking of the one named Fred (Thompson).

Say it out loud. Do it. Fred. Fred. In the South, Fray-ud.

Fur-red-duh.

It has the tonal quality of something being dropped on the floor, something heavy and damp-ish.

Waterlogged paper towel.

Fred.

The phonetics of the name seem integral to its image problem: On Urbandictionary.com, a “Fred” is defined as “a person who does stupid, annoying, or idiotic things” (Fred Flintstone, Fred Mertz). The best-case descriptors a Fred can hope for are terms like well-intentioned, predictable, benign (Fred Rogers).

There has never before been a major presidential candidate named Fred. There were two Alfreds, in 1928 and 1936. But Alfred, being all British and Batman-y, is not the same.

Then, out of almost nowhere, came Thompson, who is transcending the notion of Fred.

Then she goes on to talk about whether or not he’s sexy. I don’t want to go to bed with my president; I just want someone who can do the job and do it well. Sexiness has nothing to do with my choice of a presidential candidate.

Why? Is there something about the craggy actor we’re not getting? Maybe he’s ugly-sexy, like Mick Jagger?

Or maybe the name Fred is etymologically close to obviously sexy names like Dirk, Clint, James?

Grant Smith is an onomastician at Eastern Washington University in Cheney, who studies the branch of linguistics dedicated to proper names. He specializes in dissecting the monikers of political candidates and says he has a 65 percent success rate of predicting elections, based solely on name analysis. Not entirely convincing, but those odds would play in Vegas. “The name Fred is basic and homey,” says Smith. “It should give people a reassuring image.”

But is it, Dr. Smith, a sexy name?

Silence.

You can tell there’s no real news to report when you read stories like this.